A letter from Santa to Doolittle T. Cat

Dear Doolittle:

I want to apologize, my furry friend, for not being able to
bring you a squirrel for Christmas. You were indeed a very
good cat this year! But there were a number of problems
with your request.

Catching a squirrel was the first problem. I'm a pretty old fellow and
I don't run so well these days. Bad knees, you know. The reindeer --
Dancer especially -- just laughed their antlers off watching me try
to catch one of those crafty little buggers. And mean? Oh, Lord,
they have really bad attitudes. Let me just say that there is one
squirrel in particular who is NOT getting any nuts in his
stocking tonight.

So, not having much luck with catching one, I tried asking for
volunteers. For some reason, not a single squirrel I talked to was
particularly eager to be stuffed in your stocking. I was willing to
give you the benefit of the doubt, but I think they mistrusted
your motives. Seems they have had some bad experiences with
cats in the past, but I think it's species-profiling myself.

Then, somehow, PETA got wind of my efforts, and next thing
you know, I got a bunch of people picketing my workshop.
I reminded them that I know who's been naughty and nice,
and that picketing Santa is a sure-fire ticket to the naughty list.

Then they asked me if I was aware that forcing my reindeer to fly
all over the world in just one night violated OSHA regulations
about overtime hours.

I told those PETA people that those lazy reindeer only work one
freakin' night a year, and that they should get off my property
before I turned a yeti on them.

Now they are threatening a lawsuit, and my lawyer says I can't
really afford the bad publicity, what with the increase in my liability
insurance this year due to that unfortunate incident with a 747.
Besides, the reindeer were threatening a boycott and my elves
are already grumbling about the hiring freeze.

Honestly, I don't understand all the drama about squirrels, which
are basically just rats with bushy tails. And bad, bad attitudes.
No Christmas spirit at all.

I hope that you will like the presents I was able to bring you.
Fake mice laced with catnip are a lot safer, anyway. They don't
have all those sharp, pointy teeth. Or the bad attitudes.

All my best to you, Doolittle. Keep up the good work....
and leave that sofa alone!

Ho Ho Ho,
Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus

Doolittle's Letter to Santa

Deer SanTA Claws-

hoW is you? i haz ben verry good cat this YEAr if u donnot count lazt thanksgibben. i is up to sleepin 12 hourz a day and haz gott rid of laST MINiblinds in houze so i kin see reaL good out of windoze. i even hep MOMa when dat bad box go WONK WONK WONK evry moRNing by sittin on her hed but she do not seem greatful.

FOR kittmas me wood like a squirral. me know which one i want, two. dat mean one in backyARD who teeze me. he bad, bad squirral.

me wood also like pidgen. a fat slow one. do not mater which one. robin wood be ok if u cannot catch pidgen. me try and try but canot catch one EITHer. wood hep if mOma not make me sneaK out when she NOT lookin. can yu bring me housekey?

me wood also like ME own juizy steake sinze momma do not Like me lick herz. do not kno why she so stingy me do not wanT TO Eat it jus to lick IT.

for MOMA i wood like dead Mouses. she say NO but me knows she wood like tHEM. noTthing say i luv U like dead mouses. m e do luv momma even if she no like M E sleepin on her hed.

i wood leve dead mousez for yous but moma she say cookie beTter.

luv dookitty

pS kin U bring momma new sofa befor she see watt me did 2 back?