Will Marry for Health Insurance

The reason is simple. I have pretty much given up on ever marrying either for love or money, and am willing to settle for health insurance.

I'm at the age where all the smoke and mirrors of romantic love have been scattered and shattered, and I realize that marriage may be most effective if it is viewed as a simple partnership for economic benefit and the clear and effective meeting of compatible needs.

So, I am simply putting this out to the world. If you are a reasonably intelligent man between 25 and death, without an excessive amount of personal baggage, who is financially stable -- not rich, mind you, though rich would be nice -- but stable, with a job and health insurance, have most of your teeth or nice dentures, and good hygiene, I have an offer to make.

I will sign a legally binding agreement to provide cooking and housekeeping services. Your home will always be clean, and you will have a nice dinner waiting when you come home from work, from a menu to be negotiated based on your preferences and my culinary skills.

I will also add my services as a personal secretary to handle your phone calls, appointments and travel arrangements. Additionally, I will handle making sure that your family and friends receive timely greeting cards for all major holidays and occasions. I will be your personal shopper for all gifts, providing attractive wrapping and even hand delivery when required.

I will make sure that your clothes fit properly, that they are clean and pressed and that you never leave the house looking like a homeless bum.

Additionally, I will enthusiastically provide standard intercourse at least once a week, with oral sex once a month, and additional sexual favors of your choosing on your birthday. In return, you have no obligation to provide me with either foreplay or an orgasm.

Fidelity is not a requirement; you may continue to date as long as you practice safe sex and that I am informed of any overnight guests at least 48 hours in advance. I will even provide one breakfast in bed a month for you and your guest(s) on mornings after.

In return, I ask for a bedroom of my own, plus another room for my arts and crafts and writing. I will be allowed to sleep until at least 10 every morning. On weekends when I have an art or craft event, I will be allowed to suspend other duties.

I ask for complete health care and prescription drug coverage, plus long term disability insurance and a dental plan. $100 a month will be deposited in my 401k. You will pay all household expenses and provide a $100 a week allowance, with provisions for future cost-of-living raises.

I require a nice flat screen tv of my own with a complete cable package.

If you can additionally provide a yearly vacation to destinations of my choosing, with or without you, and an in-ground pool, I will provide two additional evenings per month of oral sex in the erotic costume of your choice. I will also make sure all our neighbors hear me screaming, "Oh, yes, you are sex machine! Do me, you stallion!' bi-annually, and tell all your male friends that you are hung like horse.

If child care is required, I will expect an additional weekly bonus at two-thirds of the going rate for a nanny, but you will lose oral sex once every other month.

If at some point you choose to divorce me, I expect a severance package of $35,000 a year for the next five years. I will, of course, keep the house unless you buy me one of equal or greater value. In return, you will get no sulking, no hurt feelings, no recriminations, no expensive and time-consuming time in divorce court.

Frankly, I think it's a damned fine offer. You take care of my needs, I'll take care of yours, without any annoying demands that you take out the garbage, cuddle or watch chick flicks. Just imagine... you will never be forced to watch a Hugh Grant movie ever again.

If you are interested, please provide a recent photo of you, your home, resume, bank statements and three credit reports.