I often think that if i could have one wish, it would be to be able to have a real conversation with my cat, Doolittle. I think it might go something like this:
Me: Hey, Doo.
Doo: (blink)
Me: Doo.... Doo-kitty....
Doo: (licking paw)
Me: DOO!
Doo: me heared you, momma-woman.
Me: Then why do you make me call you three times?
Doo: Me a cat.
Me: You do understand that I own you, right?
Doo: Oh, be serious.
Me: Come on, I put a roof over your head, I brush you, feed you --
Doo: Yick. day affer day, same dry crunchy stuff.
Me: But you gobble enough for three cats! You're telling me you don't like it?
Doo: It look like gerbil doo-doo.
Me: Do you like the canned stuff?
Doo: (blink)
Me: Come on, you practically knock me down the minute I open that cabinet....
Doo: it not bad. Not swkewrl, but not yick.
Me: Then why don't you eat it?
Doo: Me prefer to lick it.
Me: It's expensive, that stuff in the can.
Doo: Don't look at me, human. Me got no money. No pockets.
Me: I ought to make you get a job, but no one would hire a cat.
Doo: Me could be kitty porn star.
Me: Yeah, right. You don't even have any balls.
Doo: That's sumthing me would like to talk to YOU about — (hard stare)
Me: Hey, I didn't do that. You were fixed when I took you in.
Doo: And you wunder why i got attitude.
Me: I see your point.
Doo: And why you so stingy with YOUR food, huh?
Me: I try to give you something, you sniff at it like I'm trying to poison you!
Doo: You try to give me weird stuff. You nebber let me lick steak.
Me: That's not true. I give you a slice of your own to lick.
Doo: Your piece more juicy.
Me: And while we're on the subject of food, keep your face out of my cereal bowl.
Doo: Me like the milk.
Me: I thought cats were lactose intolerant.
Doo: What stoopid human told you dat?
Me: The vet.
Doo: Oh, like he know. He same basturd that took me balls.
Me: It was for your own good. You can't be wondering the streets knocking up every strange pussy in the neighborhood.
Doo: You nebber let me go out! Me cat. Me like to go outside.
Me: Why? Don't I give you everything you need?
Doo: Me don go outside, me can no eat grass. If me can eat no grass, me cant barf on carpet.
Me: That's not exactly a motivation for me.
Doo: This serious. Part of me duty as cat. Let me go outside. Pleaz. Union fine me for not barfing enuff.
Me: Cats have a union?
Doo: Crap. Dat secret. Not suppose to tell you.
Me: I don't believe you have a union. That's ridiculous.
Doo: How you think we catz got such a kooshy job?
Me: Okay, that actually makes sense—
Doo: Let me go outside. Pleaz. Me want a skwerl.
Me: It's dangerous for you outside, stupid cat!
Doo: Naw. Me got ninja skillz. Besidez, me big cat. Nobody mess wid me.
Me: The vet says you're too fat.
Doo: That guy again. (eye roll) Me just big-boned.
Me: Come on, when you lay in my lap, my legs go to sleep.
Doo: You could lose a few pounz yourself.
Me: Hey, I'm trying—
Doo: Dat why you sit in big chair all day, staring at dat big box?
Me: I'm not just watching tv. I'm always working on something.
Doo: You jus playing with silly socks.
Me: Those silly socks help buy your food right now. I'm unemployed, in case you haven't noticed that I'm staying home all day.
Doo: Ohhh. Me thought you just wanted nap. Me was proud of you. You sleepin almost much as me now.
Me: How can you sleep so much?
Doo: Me savin strength for ninja attack.
Me: What is it with you and the bare ankles?
Doo: Dey taste good. Besides, it fun fer me. No fun fer you?
Me: I wouldn't scream when you do it, if i thought it was fun.
Doo: Ohhh. Me get it now.
Me: So you'll stop it?
Doo: No. It still fun fer me.
Me: Stop it, I'm serious.
Doo: Den give me mouse to chase.
Me: I give you catnip toys.
Doo: Pfft. They no run. Me cant chase.
Me: What about the one on the stick? I waggle it in front of you, you just look at it.
Doo: Me know it just you wigglin stick. Me not stoopid.
Me: Right. That's why your english is so terrible. It's embarrassing. Bubba Cat speaks much better English.
Doo: Hey, English hard. Too many words. Cat talk easier. Only one word. Meow. Mean everything depending on how you say it.
Me: Okay, then, could you at least stop rubbing yourself all over my face? You get hair in my mouth.
Doo: Me got no choice! You wont lick me! Me cant lick own face!
Me: Humans don't lick each other.
Doo: Dat not true. Me see you licking dat Rex-man.
Me: That's another thing. Stop watching us.
Doo: No. It too entertaining. Make me laugh.
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