In my forty-six years, I have collected some small bits of wisdom for a happy life. And now, I'm going to share them with you whether you want them or not.
As a misanthrope/cynic/sometimes negative-nelly, I'm not talking about the broccoli-brained happiness of game show hosts and certain religious cults, but rather the fleeting and transient happiness of a Survivor contestant who wins a finger-full of peanut butter on day 47. But sometimes a finger-full of peanut butter can keep you off the rooftop with an AK-47.
1) Never say no to whipped cream. If you are eating something, somewhere, where someone would possibly ask you if you wanted whipped cream with that -- then, damn it, say yes to that fluffy puff of indulgence. Don't stop to calculate calories, carbs or fat grams. You're already in the pool, so go ahead and grab that inflatable donut of wild abandon. Say yes to whipped cream. And the cherry, if for no other reason than that it's a cheerful, lovely red.
2) A bathroom of your own. Virginia Wolfe espoused the benefits of having a room of one's own, but I'll take it a step farther. Not just any room, but a bathroom.
It doesn't matter if you're five, dancing in agony in the hallway waiting for your brother to open the door; or twenty, beating on the door and yelling at your roommate that you have the right to blow-dry, too; or thirty-five, sighing at the vast amounts of hair, dried shaving cream and petrified toothpaste splotches on the marble vanity, all left by your partner.... the bathroom is the last bastion of personal space where you should be free to linger, soak and pluck your eyebrows in peace without having to clean up anybody else's used personal hygeniene products. Do what you have to do -- lie, steal, cheat or kill -- but with God as your witness, never share a bathroom again.
3) Never pass up the opportunity to nap. Ah, the joy of totally unnecessary, unrequired langor. True, it's often hard to find the time, but indulge yourself once in a while. There is something so decadent about lying in bed during the daylight hours, rolling over to press your cheek into that soft, cool pillow case. And it's even better if you can convince someone to indulge with you. Your lover, your child, your cat.
4)Throw your alarm clock across the room. Personally, I think we'd all be better off if no one had ever invented the clock; we could all just show up wherever whenever we felt like it. Imagine, no more rush hour, because no one would have to rush. As for the bastard who invented the alarm clock? Dig him up, disembowel him and feed him to hyenas. That foul electronic honking is enough to make your ears bleed, second only to crying babies on an airplane, and the only reason it comes in second is that babies don't have snooze buttons.
Once a month or so, set your alarm even when you don't have to get up, and give yourself the criminal pleasure of grabbing that wonking Big Brother of our hurry-up culture and send that puppy crashing into the wall. The spackling will be worth it, believe me.
5)Learn how to read. I don't mean just mastering the ABCs enough to read the back of cereal boxes and snarky YouTube comments. I mean learn how to read a good book. And I don't mean "good" as in just the Bible or Moby Dick. Pulp romance novels will do, if those are what take you out of your own world for just a few hours.
A good book -- a good story -- is like a vacation without going anywhere and it's still absolutely, positively free. Let's face it, reality is overated. Learn how to read, and you learn how to leave it behind.
6) Adopt a pet. Cats and dogs are best, but a goldfish will do in a pinch. It's a scientic fact that a pet can lower your blood pressure and make you live longer. Sure, there are the walking-the-dog, clean-the-litter-box chores, as well as the occasional loss of your favorite (and expensive) strappy designer sandals, but the joys of a pet outweigh all of that.
I get so much pleasure from my cat, Doolittle, even if he does almost nothing but sleep, and he has an unfortunate affection for launching himself at my ankles when I least expect it. Even when he does things that annoy me -- like walking on my head at 3 a.m. -- I still find myself smiling at the way he looks curled up on the sofa cushion that I've tried so hard to keep him off of. I laugh when he runs full-tilt through the house for no reason at all. I smile at the way just the tiniest pink tip of his tongue hangs out of his mouth.
And nothing compares to the contentment of a warm cat sleeping in your lap on a cold winter day.
Addendum: Don't go to some puppy mill for a purebred with the brain of a pea, or buy a gorgeous haughty cat out of the classifieds. You'll earn brownie points with both Karma and your own conscience if you adopt an animal that needs you to save its life. Double points if you spay or neuter them.
7) Just say no. No, I'm not talking about Nancy Reagan here. I mean, learn how to say no to the things you really don't want to do, if you can get away without doing them. So many of us say yes automatically, a sort of good-girl knee-jerk reaction even when people are blantantly taking advantage of us. It's nice to help people out, but there's a limit. Find it. Stick to it. Just say no. At least some of the time. You are allowed.
And what's so great about obligation and guilt, anyway? How many parties have you gone to that you really didn't want to go to, just because you felt you should. Especially those parties where your "friend" tries to coerce you into buying one of those super-duper non-stick cake pans in the shape of a bunny rabbit just in time for Easter. Really? Do you really have to? It was one of the greatest days in my life when I realised I was a grown-up, and nobody could make me do anything I didn't want to. Except for work, death and taxes... and going to Walmart.
8) Plant something. You don't have to become a poster child for Miracle Gro, but every spring, plant something, even if it's just a begonia in a clay pot. Maybe it's just the childlike joy of playing in the dirt. Maybe it's the higher-plane metaphysical joy of getting closer to growing, blooming things.
Nah, it's the playing in the dirt.
9) Smile at a stranger for no reason. Smile as if you really mean it. Most of the time, it will cause them to smile back; it will scare the shit out of the rest of them. Either way, it's a win/win situation.
10) Once in a while, give money to the guy on the corner. Maybe it's a scam when he tells you he came downtown to see about a job, and his car ran out of gas, and he just needs a few bucks to get back home.
Maybe he isn't homeless, this is just how he's chosen to make a living, because isn't standing in the rain with a soggy sign that says "Help a veteran" more glamorous than flipping burgers?
Maybe he's an alkie who's just gonna blow it on Thunderbird or Starbucks. Maybe he's a tobacco addict who simply can't afford the price of cigarettes anymore.
It's not our place to judge why he (or she) is out there. Sometimes, you just don't know what a dollar can mean to someone else. What's a dollar to you, anyway? Super-sized fries? A lottery ticket? If you're gonna throw it away, you might as well buy a lottery ticket in the Do-A-Good-Deed Powerball.
Sure, it would be better if we stopped and brought them a Happy Meal or some clean socks, but we all know we're not gonna interrupt our busy schedule to feed and clothe the homeless. It would be better if we all volunteered with Habitat for Humanity, or ladled soup at the Mission. We all intend to do those things, but do we?
So take the easy way out, just every once in a while. Meet their eyes. Really see them. Take a chance and give them something.
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